The Secret Sauce for Pursuing Goals
An excerpt from Expectation Hangover by Christine Hassler
A client recently sent the following question to me after spending about a month treating her Expectation Hangover: “All right, I get that it’s not great for me to have expectations, but there are things that I want in life. I have dreams and desires. How do I pursue them and not set myself up for an Expectation Hangover? Am I not supposed to want things or have goals?” The answer lies in knowing the recipe to the secret sauce for pursuing goals without setting ourselves up for an Expectation Hangover.
There are four ways to pursue goals:
• With low involvement and low attachment
• With low involvement and high attachment
• With high involvement and high attachment
• With high involvement and low attachment
Involvement is the degree to which we proactively participate in the pursuit of our goals. Attachment is the degree to which our well-being, sense of worthiness, happiness, and peace of mind are dependent on reaching our goals. We create attachment whenever we become invested in a desired outcome, plan, or opinion. When we have any degree of attachment, we have expectations. And when we have expectations, we can have — you guessed it — Expectation Hangovers.
A low involvement–low attachment approach means that we have a goal but are not doing much to make it happen, and it really is not something we are very emotionally invested in. In this scenario, we typically think we should do something but have a “why bother” approach and end up taking minimal steps, if any, toward our goal. Steve consistently felt he should work out but only went to the gym once a week. He was fairly apathetic about getting in shape, which resulted in an Expectation Hangover about letting himself down and not losing weight.
A low involvement–high attachment approach means we really, really want something to happen, and think life would be much better if we had it, but are not actively taking steps toward it. In both low involvement–low attachment and low involvement–high attachment, you see the world as happening to you and remain a victim of your circumstances. Lindsey believed that once she was in a relationship, she would break free of her romantic rut and low self-confidence, yet she refused to put herself on any online dating sites or pursue coaching on relationships. Her inaction resulted in an Expectation Hangover about not being married at the age she anticipated.
A high involvement–high attachment approach means we are passionate about a goal and actively taking steps to make it happen. We are very attached to the outcome, believing that once we attain it, we will experience something we are longing for. With this approach, you see the world as happening by you, and you believe you can control outcomes with enough effort. So you experience a sense of failure if an outcome fails to materialize. It is a level of over responsibility that becomes exhausting, and potentially even devastating. Katrina was convinced she was supposed to be a famous actress. She took acting classes, went to auditions, and created poster boards with ideal scenes about her career. Being an actress mattered so much to her that every time she did not land a part, she had a painful Expectation Hangover that made her feel rejected and worthless. Katrina was only happy and confident when she got an acting part.
That leaves us with pursuing goals with high involvement and low attachment — the best recipe for going after what you want without setting yourself up for an Expectation Hangover. In this approach, you have a strong intention to co-create (together with the Universe) things in your life that are in alignment with your values and goals, but you are not attached to the outcome. Your sense of worthiness, success, or happiness is not tied to whether or not particular things happen. And you remain open to things manifesting in forms different than you may have expected. By practicing high involvement–low attachment, you move into a perspective where you see things happening through you and surrender control, understanding that you are a co-creator with the Universe. You recognize that effort and commitment are important but that results are not completely up to you and do not dictate your overall well-being.
Tony’s experience illustrates high involvement–low attachment. He was inspired to start his own business. He hired me as a coach, enrolled in several business and entrepreneurial courses, moved to a less expensive apartment, and created a detailed business plan. He remained focused on his vision but in the meantime continued to find his happiness and worth inside himself. When he launched his first product and did not hit the expected numbers, Tony practiced nonattachment by not taking it personally or taking it to mean he had failed. Although he felt some disappointment, he was not devastated. He used Horseback Rider Rx to reframe it as a learning experience. He called upon the Scientist, to respond more proactively, which moved him toward his core values of confidence and courage.
Use the secret sauce of high involvement–low attachment so you live in “through me” consciousness. Wanting things is not wrong. You are worthy and deserving of your dreams. What sets you up for disappointment is not your desires, but your attachment to your expectations.
A client recently sent the following question to me after spending about a month treating her Expectation Hangover: “All right, I get that it’s not great for me to have expectations, but there are things that I want in life. I have dreams and desires. How do I pursue them and not set myself up for an Expectation Hangover? Am I not supposed to want things or have goals?” The answer lies in knowing the recipe to the secret sauce for pursuing goals without setting ourselves up for an Expectation Hangover.
There are four ways to pursue goals:• With low involvement and low attachment
• With low involvement and high attachment
• With high involvement and high attachment
• With high involvement and low attachment
Involvement is the degree to which we proactively participate in the pursuit of our goals. Attachment is the degree to which our well-being, sense of worthiness, happiness, and peace of mind are dependent on reaching our goals. We create attachment whenever we become invested in a desired outcome, plan, or opinion. When we have any degree of attachment, we have expectations. And when we have expectations, we can have — you guessed it — Expectation Hangovers.
A low involvement–low attachment approach means that we have a goal but are not doing much to make it happen, and it really is not something we are very emotionally invested in. In this scenario, we typically think we should do something but have a “why bother” approach and end up taking minimal steps, if any, toward our goal. Steve consistently felt he should work out but only went to the gym once a week. He was fairly apathetic about getting in shape, which resulted in an Expectation Hangover about letting himself down and not losing weight.
A low involvement–high attachment approach means we really, really want something to happen, and think life would be much better if we had it, but are not actively taking steps toward it. In both low involvement–low attachment and low involvement–high attachment, you see the world as happening to you and remain a victim of your circumstances. Lindsey believed that once she was in a relationship, she would break free of her romantic rut and low self-confidence, yet she refused to put herself on any online dating sites or pursue coaching on relationships. Her inaction resulted in an Expectation Hangover about not being married at the age she anticipated.
A high involvement–high attachment approach means we are passionate about a goal and actively taking steps to make it happen. We are very attached to the outcome, believing that once we attain it, we will experience something we are longing for. With this approach, you see the world as happening by you, and you believe you can control outcomes with enough effort. So you experience a sense of failure if an outcome fails to materialize. It is a level of over responsibility that becomes exhausting, and potentially even devastating. Katrina was convinced she was supposed to be a famous actress. She took acting classes, went to auditions, and created poster boards with ideal scenes about her career. Being an actress mattered so much to her that every time she did not land a part, she had a painful Expectation Hangover that made her feel rejected and worthless. Katrina was only happy and confident when she got an acting part.
That leaves us with pursuing goals with high involvement and low attachment — the best recipe for going after what you want without setting yourself up for an Expectation Hangover. In this approach, you have a strong intention to co-create (together with the Universe) things in your life that are in alignment with your values and goals, but you are not attached to the outcome. Your sense of worthiness, success, or happiness is not tied to whether or not particular things happen. And you remain open to things manifesting in forms different than you may have expected. By practicing high involvement–low attachment, you move into a perspective where you see things happening through you and surrender control, understanding that you are a co-creator with the Universe. You recognize that effort and commitment are important but that results are not completely up to you and do not dictate your overall well-being.
Tony’s experience illustrates high involvement–low attachment. He was inspired to start his own business. He hired me as a coach, enrolled in several business and entrepreneurial courses, moved to a less expensive apartment, and created a detailed business plan. He remained focused on his vision but in the meantime continued to find his happiness and worth inside himself. When he launched his first product and did not hit the expected numbers, Tony practiced nonattachment by not taking it personally or taking it to mean he had failed. Although he felt some disappointment, he was not devastated. He used Horseback Rider Rx to reframe it as a learning experience. He called upon the Scientist, to respond more proactively, which moved him toward his core values of confidence and courage.
Use the secret sauce of high involvement–low attachment so you live in “through me” consciousness. Wanting things is not wrong. You are worthy and deserving of your dreams. What sets you up for disappointment is not your desires, but your attachment to your expectations.