Stop People-Pleasing
An excerpt from Expectation Hangover by Christine Hassler
It is natural to want to fit in and not upset others, because it feels safer. The feeling of letting people down and perhaps contributing to their Expectation Hangovers is one we would rather avoid. All it takes is one small experience of feeling criticized or not liked, thinking we’ve upset someone, or getting tons of praise and validation for making others happy to develop people pleasing as a habit. We think that pleasing others prevents Expectation Hangovers, but it actually sets us up for more because we put the opinions and expectations of others above our own, making our self-worth and choices reliant on an external source.
People pleasing depletes your most valuable resources: time and energy. Just think how much energy you waste by obsessing about what other people think of you or strategizing your actions to appease others. I am all for being a considerate and generous person. And it feels wonderful to love others! But being and acting from love is not people pleasing. People pleasing is different because it involves an attachment to someone else’s reaction. And as you’ve learned, when there is attachment, there is a high risk of an Expectation Hangover.
You may think being a people pleaser makes you a “good” person, but I am going to offer you a radical reframe of people pleasing: it’s selfish to be a people pleaser. Why? Because being attached to pleasing others is really about you. You want to be liked. You do not want to upset anyone. You want to look good for others. You are protecting yourself from confrontation. Furthermore, you are the one who is choosing to withhold expressing who you truly are. And by doing all those things, you are keeping yourself, your light, and your love from the world — and that is selfish.
Stop being selfish and be self-honoring instead, by making choices that support your core values. Making choices based on how you will be perceived by others, how someone else will respond, or what you think you should do may violate your values. A self-honoring choice is not selfish. You can be for yourself without being against anyone else. Selfish people usually aren’t concerned about whether their choices are selfish because they are too self-absorbed or self-centered to consider it. Just the fact that you are questioning being selfish is an indicator that you aren’t.
How people respond is their responsibility, not yours! I know this may sound crazy to you, but we really do not have the power to make anyone feel anything. You are only responsible for honestly communicating without going into blame, finger-pointing, ultimatums, or expectations.
Often the self-honoring choice is choosing not to make a decision. Just because a choice is put in front of you doesn’t mean you have to choose instantly. It’s self-honoring to say “I don’t know,” or “I need time to think about that,” or “Let me get back to you.” And often the most self-honoring choice is to say “No.” That’s a complete sentence. It’s not necessary to follow “No” with a justification or apology. You are not obligated to explain yourself. It’s enough to just say “No” if that’s your truth.
I encourage you to take a big step today toward preventing future Expectation Hangovers by filling in the blanks to this statement: “If I let go of caring what...think(s), I would...” I understand it may be scary, but what’s even scarier is making choices that violate your values, because it builds resentment. Your value does not come from the way others perceive you. Your life is not defined by the expectations of others. What other people think of you is none of your business.
People pleasing depletes your most valuable resources: time and energy. Just think how much energy you waste by obsessing about what other people think of you or strategizing your actions to appease others. I am all for being a considerate and generous person. And it feels wonderful to love others! But being and acting from love is not people pleasing. People pleasing is different because it involves an attachment to someone else’s reaction. And as you’ve learned, when there is attachment, there is a high risk of an Expectation Hangover.
You may think being a people pleaser makes you a “good” person, but I am going to offer you a radical reframe of people pleasing: it’s selfish to be a people pleaser. Why? Because being attached to pleasing others is really about you. You want to be liked. You do not want to upset anyone. You want to look good for others. You are protecting yourself from confrontation. Furthermore, you are the one who is choosing to withhold expressing who you truly are. And by doing all those things, you are keeping yourself, your light, and your love from the world — and that is selfish.
Stop being selfish and be self-honoring instead, by making choices that support your core values. Making choices based on how you will be perceived by others, how someone else will respond, or what you think you should do may violate your values. A self-honoring choice is not selfish. You can be for yourself without being against anyone else. Selfish people usually aren’t concerned about whether their choices are selfish because they are too self-absorbed or self-centered to consider it. Just the fact that you are questioning being selfish is an indicator that you aren’t.
How people respond is their responsibility, not yours! I know this may sound crazy to you, but we really do not have the power to make anyone feel anything. You are only responsible for honestly communicating without going into blame, finger-pointing, ultimatums, or expectations.
Often the self-honoring choice is choosing not to make a decision. Just because a choice is put in front of you doesn’t mean you have to choose instantly. It’s self-honoring to say “I don’t know,” or “I need time to think about that,” or “Let me get back to you.” And often the most self-honoring choice is to say “No.” That’s a complete sentence. It’s not necessary to follow “No” with a justification or apology. You are not obligated to explain yourself. It’s enough to just say “No” if that’s your truth.
I encourage you to take a big step today toward preventing future Expectation Hangovers by filling in the blanks to this statement: “If I let go of caring what...think(s), I would...” I understand it may be scary, but what’s even scarier is making choices that violate your values, because it builds resentment. Your value does not come from the way others perceive you. Your life is not defined by the expectations of others. What other people think of you is none of your business.