Things Others Do That Really Tick You Off

About Anger

Anger can be a natural response, especially when you feel disrespected or ignored. It brings on strong, aggressive feelings that help you defend yourself. But if you find yourself angry really often or it’s affecting important parts of your life, you might want to talk with a counselor to learn to handle it better. Often, it’s the actions, or lack of them, by people around us that make us mad. Like when they …

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Web Surf at Traffic Lights

That video of a cat riding the family dog across the living room is way too cute not to watch right now! The guy in front of you really should pull over, so he won’t miss a single precious second. And so he won’t miss the traffic light when it changes -- and, you know, hold up everyone behind him.

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Leave the Shopping Cart … Wherever

It’s not that hard -- cart returns are usually all over the parking lot. And if they aren’t, how long does it take to walk the cart back over to the curb -- 15 seconds? Apparently, that’s too much to ask of some people.

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Ride That Bumper

We’re all in a hurry. But someone should tell the lady on your tail that she isn’t going to make you go any faster -- and she’ll still get there after you. She’s also making an accident more likely, which would keep everyone on the road from getting home on time.

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Stop Short

That must be a really clever text the guy’s writing as he walks down the sidewalk -- so clever that he needs to stop in his tracks to finish it. He’s way too absorbed to move off to the side so you don’t crash into him -- and spill your latte down the front of your white shirt.

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Trash the Great Outdoors

They brought sodas, chips, and candy to help them enjoy a quiet weekend in nature. But then they left the cans and wrappers just where they finished with them. Untouched wilderness? Not anymore.

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Stretch Out on the Subway

This guy’s had a long day at the office, and he deserves a little space to sit and relax -- why take one seat when you can have two, right? But lots of people are tired at the end of the day, and they all want a little space to relax on the subway. So move over, buddy!

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Play Loud Music in Public

You can hear the music blaring from two cars behind you. Give us all a break, guy, and just turn it down. You want to continue hearing into your old age, right? Too much loud music can take a toll on your ears.

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Use Security Captchas

You know, they’re those weird pictures of words and numbers in funny shapes and sizes you’re supposed to type to convince some website you’re not a computer. The problem is, half the time you can’t tell what the words are any better than a computer could, which sends you in an endless loop of new ones you can’t read. There’s got to be a better way.

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Take Forever to Order

That lady in front of you isn’t sure if she’s in the mood for a caramel macchiato, or a latte, or maybe she wants to really mix it up today with some green mint tea. She should take all the time she needs -- before she gets in line.

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Eat With Their Mouths Open

Seriously? No one wants to see that bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich in its various stages as she eats. And you definitely don’t want to listen to the sound she makes when she chews (smack smack). Mom was right when she said it’s rude to eat with your mouth open.

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Interrupt All the Time

If he can’t wait for someone to finish a sentence before jumping in with his own thoughts, he’s not really having a conversation, he’s giving a lecture. If he tried listening for a change, he might learn something.

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Block the Intersection

Traffic is backed up. The light’s turned yellow, and someone drifts into the middle of the intersection in the hope that it’ll clear and he won’t have to wait through another light. But it doesn’t, and now his wishful thinking is keeping you and the 700 cars behind you at a standstill.

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Use Price Tags That Don’t Peel Off

You just bought a gorgeous new vase at the flea market that you’re pretty sure is a genuine Ming Dynasty knockoff. It looks perfect on the sideboard in your living room -- except you can’t seem to get the price tag ($8.95) peeled off the side. Water, dish soap, razor blades -- nothing seems to work. What the heck did they use to stick that on there?

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Write Checks

Not the ones that you write at home and stick in the mail to pay your bills -- those are fine. No, the checks we’re talking about are the ones it takes the guy in front of you 10 minutes to write out at the grocery store’s “fast checkout” line, with you and 15 others in line behind him. Seriously, people were using debit cards in the last century.

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How We Deal With It

People handle anger in three ways: expressing, suppressing, and calming. The healthiest way to express it is to make yourself heard in an assertive (not aggressive) way without hurting anyone else. You also can try to calm, or control, your anger -- count to 10, take deep breaths, and let the emotion go away. But don’t suppress, or hide, it. That can turn those negative feelings inward and lead to high blood pressure or depression.

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Keep Anger in Check

A few tips to control your feelings: Use humor to defuse the situation; focus on the solution instead of the problem; and don’t say the first thing that pops into your head -- listen and think first. Your doctor can do some tests to see if your emotions are running too high. But if you have a problem with anger, you probably already know it.

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Five Ways to Help Teens Feel Good about Themselves

As teens struggle with anxiety and perfectionism, how can we help them like who they are?

BY AMY L. EVA 

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No one wants to hang out with me. I’m a failure at school. All my other friends seem happy. What’s wrong with me?

These kinds of negative thoughts are becoming more common in our homes and schools. Teens are experiencing increased anxiety, and studies indicate that college students in Canada, the United Kingdom, and the United States are becoming more perfectionistic over time, measuring themselves against unrealistic standards.

Why is this happening? We can’t say for sure—but we do know there are steps teens can take to improve their mental health.

A 2018 study of early adolescents suggests that self-concept (your perception of self) plays a central role in emotional well-being. According to the study, a supportive classroom environment and positive social relationships also affect teen well-being—but the impact is indirect. Positive self-concept seems to be the key variable in the well-being equation. If a student feels good about herself, then she may be more likely to connect with others and benefit from the supports provided at school.

So, how can we influence how students think about themselves? This may feel like a very tall order; yet there is a lot of research out there that provides some clues for supporting the teens in your life. Here are five ways to help tweens and teens move toward a more positive self-concept.

1. Get physical

Although you may have heard this before, kids really can benefit from regular exercise (especially when their tendency is to sit in front of a screen). A recent review of 38 international studies indicates that physical activity alone can improve self-esteem and self-concept in children and adolescents.

Apparently, the exercise setting also matters. Students who participated in supervised activities in schools or gymnasiums reported more significant growth in self-esteem than those who exercised at home and in other settings.

Adolescents’ self-concept is most strongly linked to their sense of physical attractiveness and body image, an area where many people struggle. So, encourage more regular exercise programs during and after school, and support team sports, strength training, running, yoga, and swimming—not just for their effects on the body but on the mind, as well. Getting out and engaging in some form of exercise can make us feel stronger, healthier, and more empowered.

2. Focus on self-compassion (not self-esteem)

Because self-esteem is a global evaluation of your overall worth, it has its dangers. What am I achieving? Am I good enough? How do I compare with my peers?

What would happen if we could stop judging ourselves? Researcher Kristen Neff claims that self-compassion—treating yourself with kindness, openness, and acceptance—is a healthy alternative to the incessant striving and performance orientation often tied up with self-esteem. 

In her study of adolescents and young adults, she found that participants with higher self-compassion demonstrated greater well-being. Why? They were okay with their flaws, acknowledged that they struggled just like those around them (“Everybody makes mistakes; you are not alone”), and treated themselves with the same kindness they would extend to a friend (“It’s okay; you did your best”).

If you are interested in specific techniques and strategies for enhancing self-compassion in teens, take a look at the work of psychologist Karen Bluth. She recently developed a program called Making Friends with Yourself. Youth participating in this eight-week program reported greater resilience, less depression, and less stress at the end of it. However, if there isn’t a program near you, consider sharing this self-compassion workbook with the teens in your life.

3. Avoid social comparison

When we focus on self-esteem, we tend to get caught up in comparing ourselves to others. Teens, in particular, often sense an “imaginary audience” (i.e., “Everyone is looking at me!”) and can become highly sensitized to who they are relative to everyone around them.

Instagram and other social media platforms don’t necessarily help. Some research suggests an association between social media and depression, anxiety, loneliness, and FoMO (fear of missing out) among teens. Their posts may not rack up the number of “likes” that their friends’ posts do, or they may feel excluded when they see pictures of classmates happily spending time together without them.

A new app for teen girls called Maverick may be a healthier option than Snapchat or Instagram. On this social media platform, teens can connect with role models (called “Catalysts”) and explore their creativity (such as designing their own superhero or choosing a personal mantra). Of course, there is always the option of taking a break from social media, as well.

Regardless of what teens choose to do online, many of our schools are also structured for social comparison. Grading, labeling, and tracking practices (grouping students based on their academic performance) don’t necessarily honor the stops, starts, and inevitable mistakes that are a natural part of the learning process.

Here are some school-based alternatives designed to reduce social comparison:

• Don’t make grades public.
• Provide opportunities to revise and redo assignments.
• Avoid ability grouping as much as possible.
• Focus on individual growth and improvement.
• Acknowledge students’ small successes.

4. Capitalize on specific skills

If you keep your eye out for teens’ talents and interests, you can support them in cultivating their strengths. Your son may think he is a terrible athlete, but he lights up when he works on school science projects. Then there’s that quiet, disheveled ninth-grade girl who sits in the back of your class. She may feel socially awkward, but she wows you with her poetry.

Researcher Susan Harter has studied adolescent self-esteem and self-concept for years. She claims that self-concept is domain-specific. Our overall self-esteem or sense of worth tends to be rooted in eight distinct areas: athletic competence, scholastic competence, behavioral conduct, social acceptance, close friendship, romantic appeal, job satisfaction, and physical attractiveness.

Talk to the teens in your life. What are their personal values and priorities? Share surveys with them like the VIA (which identifies character strengths like bravery, honesty, and leadership) or have them take a multiple intelligences quiz. Celebrate their talents and tailor activities and instruction around their abilities as much as possible.

It may not be easy to shift teens’ global sense of self-worth, but we can certainly highlight and encourage areas of interest and particular skill sets so that they feel more confident, capable, and inspired.

5. Help others (especially strangers)

Finally, when teens reach out to others, they are more likely to feel better about themselves. A 2017 study of 681 U.S. adolescents (ages 11-14) examined their kind and helpful behavior over a four-year period. Researchers found that adolescents who were kind and helpful in general had higher self-esteem, but those who directed their generosity toward strangers (not friends and family) tended to grow in self-esteem.

Last Friday, I joined my daughter and her peers during the “action” phase of their “Change the World” project. Their social studies teacher, Tim Owens, tasked the eighth graders with choosing a sustainability issue, researching the problem and possible solutions, planning action, and implementing the action.

These middle schoolers spent a full day canvasing their neighborhoods to advocate for policies that protected people they don’t know, like local refugees and homeless youth—as well as animals used for product testing. I’ve never seen my daughter and her friends more energized, confident, and engaged with their community.

As adults, we can actively support service learning projects in our schools and our teens’ interests in advocacy and civil engagement. Adolescents around the world can also work remotely with non-profit organizations like DoSomething, “a digital platform promoting offline action” in 131 countries. On this site, young people can choose a cause, the amount of time they want to commit to it, and the type of help they would like to provide (e.g., face-to-face, improving a space, making something, sharing something, etc.)

When teens regularly contribute to a larger cause, they learn to think beyond themselves, which may ultimately help them to be more positive, empowered, and purposeful. 

As many teens struggle with anxiety and perfectionism, our urge may be to jump in and fix their problems, whatever we perceive them to be. But a better approach, one that will hopefully help reverse these worrying trends, is to cheer them on as they develop the mental habits and strengths that will support them throughout their lives.

Inspirational Quote – May 21, 2018

“Do what you can with what you have, where you are.”

Oh, I do! Hopefully, you do too? Realistically, that’s all any of us can do isn’t it? Nothing else for it but to get on with things. It would be great to think that each and every one of us realizes the gifts we were born with and the abilities and skills we have gained on our way through life. Then, armed with this knowledge, do the best we can, not only to enrich our lives, but also the lives of those around us. Who knows the gifts we may be able to give to each other!

CathiBew.co.uk

How to Think: A Survival Guide for a World at Odds

"Last fall Alan Jacobs published a slim book with a bold title: How to Think: A Survival Guide for a World at Odds. Jacobs is a professor of English literature, but in this book he joins a growing chorus of social psychologists who warn that enlightenment anthropology -- what Jamie Smith memorably calls the "brains-on-a-stick" model of human persons -- falls woefully short of reality. Rather, as people like Daniel Kahneman and Jonathan Haidt have shown, our bodies -- our senses, emotions, and intuitions -- shape and direct our reasoning."

http://www.dailygood.org/story/2011/learning-how-to-think-with-alan-jacobs-jeffrey-bilbro/

Easy Home Exercises to Manage Fibromyalgia Pain

       

Should You Exercise?

People with fibromyalgia get the same health benefits from exercise as other people -- and more. Regular exercise combats fatigue and increases energy. It makes joints more flexible and improves sleep and mood. Exercise frees people with fibromyalgia to live a fuller life. Talk to your doctor before you begin exercising. Some exercises may not be recommended for patients and could be harmful.

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Exercise Should Reduce Pain

Will exercise make you hurt more? Some muscle soreness is common after exercising in the beginning. But ultimately exercise should relieve fibromyalgia pain, not aggravate it. Try these tips: Start off small and build slowly. Massage or apply heat to sore muscles before exercise and apply cold after.

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Personalize Your Exercise Program

People with fibro often give up on exercise because they fall into a "push-crash" cycle. They push themselves too hard, get injured, and then stop. To avoid this cycle, work with your doctor or a physical therapist to design a program around what you can do. Build in rest days. Most importantly, listen to your body: Move less or slower, or use smaller motions when necessary.

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Start With Aerobic Exercise

What's better for fibromyalgia symptoms -- aerobic or relaxation exercises? One study found aerobics to be far superior -- even in people with severe fibromyalgia. Start an exercise program with a low-impact cardiovascular exercise such as walking. If walking creates too much stress on your muscles or joints, try non-weight-bearing activities like swimming or bicycling.

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Ready, Set, Walk

Walking can help control pain and fatigue. Start by walking as little as five minutes a day and add 30 seconds or a minute each day if you can. Work up to 30 minutes to an hour of walking, three to four times a week. If you start to struggle, walk for a comfortable length of time for several days before increasing again. If you want a more intense workout, try alternating walking with slow jogging.

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Curl Up Into a Pose

Just can't drag yourself out of the house some days? Then do yoga poses at home. Yoga's combination of stretching and meditation seems to ease multiple fibro symptoms including poor sleep, anxiety, and depression. Seated yoga positions can be practiced on a chair or the floor. Or try a restorative pose: Lie on the floor with your legs extended straight up a wall.

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Take the Plunge

Hit the neighborhood pool even if you don't know how to swim. Water is easy on the joints, it relaxes muscles, and it allows you to stretch more. If you can't swim, find an aquatics class that includes gentle range of motion, flexibility, strengthening, and aerobic exercises. Warm water in particular (around 88 degrees) may help relax muscles more. Look for a gym or clinic with a warm-water pool or hot tub.

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Strengthen Your Muscles

People with fibromyalgia were once discouraged from doing strength training. But research has shown that it's safe and helpful. Strengthening muscles makes daily activities such as climbing stairs and doing household chores easier. Use props like resistance bands or free weights. To strengthen calves, rise up on your toes as high as you can and slowly lower yourself back down. Hold weights during reps.

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Stretch for Flexibility

Can you move all your joints through their full range of motion? Many people with fibromyalgia can't. Range-of-motion exercises gently reduce stiffness and keep joints flexible, making movement easier during your daily routine. Start with simple motions such as rotating your arms and legs as you sit in a chair. Your doctor or a physical therapist can help identify the right exercises for you.

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Every Little Bit Helps

Maybe the idea of exercise still seems overwhelming. Or maybe you're already in an exercise program. You can still try to add little bits of physical activity to your daily routine. Walk up the escalator. Move the remote so you have to get up to change the TV channel. Push the baby stroller when you go for a walk. Little challenges like these shouldn't worsen symptoms but should improve pain and fatigue.

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Stay Psyched to Move

Exercising consistently helps you get the most out of your program. But fibro symptoms can dampen motivation. To stay inspired, exercise with a friend or a fibro support group in your area. Set small goals for yourself. And when you reach your goals, reward yourself with a massage, a movie, or extra reading time. Above all, keep your eyes on the prize: feeling your best, even with fibromyalgia.

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12 Tips for Coping With Fibromyalgia

       

De-Stress

Stress may trigger fibromyalgia symptoms. Minimizing stress can improve your quality of life. Some proven stress busters are yoga, exercise, sleep, and meditation. Breathing deeply and exhaling slowly can also help. Or keep in mind activities that you enjoy or that make you feel better. When stress strikes, do one or two of them.

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Jot It Down

If "fibro fog" is hurting your focus or memory, keep a pen and paper handy. Make to-do and even "to say" lists -- to help you remember topics you want to talk to your spouse or family about. Keep shopping lists, friends' names, and important phone numbers and addresses in a notebook to carry with you.

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Exercise Regularly

Regular, low-intensity exercise, such as walking or warm-water exercise, is one of the best treatments for fibromyalgia. It helps decrease pain and stiffness, reduce stress, and may increase your sense of control over fibromyalgia. You may also sleep better. Talk to your doctor or a physical therapist about a good exercise program for you.

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Do Some Serious Soaking

Soaking in a warm bath or hot tub can relax tense muscles, reduce pain, and help you move more easily. If it's difficult for you to get in and out of the tub, try a sauna or put a stool in the shower so you can sit and let the water do its work. Moist heat may increase endorphins, which block pain signals, and help you sleep more soundly.

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Reach for Decaf

Caffeine may compound stress, both physically and psychologically. It stimulates the heart and central nervous system, and can increase nervousness, anxiety, and insomnia. So decaffeinate to de-stress. For better sleep at night, avoid caffeine from the late afternoon on. Watch out for caffeine in chocolate, coffee, and some soft drinks and teas.

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Take Some 'Me Time' Every Day

Fibromyalgia can pose unique health challenges and make life complicated. So make time for yourself every day as a part of your treatment. Lose yourself in a hobby, put on some music, rest -- whatever makes you feel good. It may bring more balance to your life, help you fight stress, and boost your energy for the things you need to do.

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Make Work Life Better

Is work leaving you exhausted and in pain? Design a flexible plan that works for you and your boss. Ask about working from home part-time, or setting your hours for earlier or later in the day so you can be more productive. At the office, rearrange your workspace for comfort and easy accessibility. A telephone headset, keyboard tray, or other products may help put less stress on your body.

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Talk About It

Fibromyalgia puts stress on you and those around you. Communication is critical. Don't try to always put on a happy face. Your loved ones need to know what makes symptoms worse. Plan talks for your best time of day. Try focusing on one issue and look for solutions. And don't be afraid to ask for help -- from friends, others with fibromyalgia, or a counselor.

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Just Say No

Fibromyalgia is sometimes called an "invisible illness" -- you can look fine but feel bad. People may forget that you need to prioritize and pace yourself. When weighing activities, favors, or invitations consider if they will keep you from the rest, exercise, or relaxation you need to feel well. It's OK to simply say "no." And stick to it.

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Make Your Bedroom a Sleep Sanctuary

If you're not getting enough rest, set the mood in your bedroom for sleep. Reserve the bed for sleeping, and keep the room dark, quiet, cool, and distraction-free. Keep regular sleep hours and ban the computer and late-night TV watching. Instead, wind down with relaxing music or a warm bath.

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Keep a Daily Journal

Keeping track of events, activities, symptoms, and mood changes can help you take charge of fibromyalgia. It may make you aware of when symptoms start and, over time, what may be triggering them. Then you can work to eliminate triggers or learn coping strategies to lessen their impact.

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Join a Support Group

Support groups can play an important part in the lives of people with a chronic illness. Whether in person or online, they offer a safe place to talk with others who may share your frustrations and concerns. Support groups provide emotional support, information, and tips for coping. Contact the Arthritis Foundation to find one in your area.

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