The Most Tender Gaze I Have Ever Beheld
"As I was facing into the slope and digging, I became aware of a presence behind me. I quickly looked over my left shoulder and saw a deer quietly standing about 4 feet behind me. Knowing it was hunting season, I ignored the deer not wanting to familiarize it to people and make it easier to hunt and kill. I continued working for another ten minutes but kept feeling the presence of the deer. I finally looked over my shoulder again and found the deer in the same spot as before. This time it occurred to me that possibly the deer might be hurt. I turned around and sat on the slope facing the deer. The deer was perpendicular to me so I had a good view of it. It was a female, a doe, fully grown but still young maybe about 3 to 5 years old..."
Read on for a real-life story of profound connection and insight by Catherine Carney-Feldman.
I will always remember the date, November 16, 2001, not only for an
unforgettable deer encounter but also for another reason which I will tell you
about at the end of this blog.
On that day, David and I were doing many chores on our 2 ½ acre animal
sanctuary. We, along with our horses, dogs, cats, chickens, ducks and rooster,
live in a pine forest with many wild animals all claiming the same territory
and calling it home. David was at the front of the property working on a
project next to the street. I was at the back of the property on a sloped area
digging holes in the ground to put in some new native hydrangea bushes. I was
enjoying the unusually warm, sunny day and was intent on getting six new
bushes planted and watered.
As I was facing into the slope and digging, I became aware of a presence
behind me. I quickly looked over my left shoulder and saw a deer quietly
standing about 4 feet behind me. Knowing it was hunting season, I
ignored the deer not wanting to familiarize it to people and make it easier to
hunt and kill. I continued working for another ten minutes but kept
feeling the presence of the deer. I finally looked over my shoulder again and
found the deer in the same spot as before. This time it occurred to me
that possibly the deer might be hurt. I turned around and sat on the slope
facing the deer. The deer was perpendicular to me so I had a good view of
it. It was a female, a doe, fully grown but still young maybe about 3 to
5 years old.
Plan A: As I systematically began visually checking her out for injuries
starting with her nose and ending at her tail, she moved closer to me as if to
make it easier. She was now about 3 feet away and still perpendicular to
me. No injuries were evident. The thought crossed my mind that I don’t smell
like a human wearing my barn clothes. I decide to talk to the deer so she
knows that I am a human. I say, “Hello, deer. What brings you here today?” I
was amazed that the deer just continues to quietly stand there. Plan B:
Touch the deer and she will then definitely take off. With a little
hesitation, I gingerly stroke my fingers down her long neck as if I am
caressing my horse’s neck. To my amazement she just stands there as if she has
been waiting for this touch.
Plan C: I now am talking to the deer as I am gently feeling her neck, back and
legs while looking for any signs of physical problems. I find none. As my
hands sweep across her body, I can see she has already shed her red, thinner,
summer coat and I admire her glossy, thick, grey winter coat of hair. I know
that each hair strand is doubly thick due to having a hollow tube running thru
it to give extra winter insulation. I can easily feel her perfect muscular
structure under her coat. She is very relaxed and seems to be enjoying and
welcoming my touch and ongoing conversation.
Plan D: I now sit down on the slope again trying to make sense of what is
incomprehensible. At this point I have given up on logical
explanations and I again ask the deer out loud why she has come to visit me
today. She turns her head and looks me directly in the eyes. Her face is one
foot away from mine. I am now going to try to put into words what was a
wordless experience. I am engulfed in the most beautiful, gentle and tender
gaze that I have ever beheld. Her eyes are huge and luminous. They are
profoundly deep. As I look into them it is as if she has invited and allows me
to see into her soul. I offer her the same invitation. My thoughts disappear
and the moment is timeless. I am at complete peace. I understand
everything and I want nothing. I experience love and acceptance and the divine
all at once. I don’t know how long we both looked into each other’s eyes and
this experience lasted.
When my thoughts finally returned, the first thing I remember thinking is that
if all people could experience what a deer really is, there would be no
hunters hunting this profoundly beautiful, gentle being. I felt deeply that
this deer allowed me to understand what made her a deer – what was the essence
of a deer. Did she also understand what made me a human? Was that intense
moment of connection as meaningful to her as me? Did she seek me out for that
purpose and if so, why?
Now, I am still sitting looking at the deer with many more questions going
through my head, none of which had answers. It dawns on me that I need to
share this experience with David who is still working at the front of the
property. I know I have a five minute walk to get to him. If I go fetch
him, will the deer still be here? I decide to get him and walk up the slope,
across the front lawn and down our long driveway. When I reach him, I tell him
I have been talking and patting a deer for the last hour or so and hope he
believes me. We both walk hurriedly to the slope and I’m thinking surely the
deer is gone by now and no one will be able to confirm my experience. My
fears are unfounded. As we start crossing our front lawn, the deer emerges
from the slope and walks towards us. The three of us stand closely together
and I start telling David in more detail the story of what happened.
Plan E: At this point I ask David to keep the deer company as I go into the
house to call the police to see if someone has reported a pet deer
missing. The policeman I speak to has not had any such calls and tells
me he doesn’t know anyone in town who has a pet deer. I do not know what
to think. I leave the policeman my telephone number and address in case
someone calls inquiring about the deer. I go outside to join the deer
and David.
Soon, after one more long look at us, the deer starts slowly walking across
the front lawn and onto the driveway. The telephone rings. I take one more
long look at the deer, who is now walking down our driveway, before hurrying
in to answer the phone expecting that it is the policeman saying he has found
the deer’s owner. Instead, I am surprised to hear my mother’s voice which is
softer and more subdued than usual. Calmly and slowly, she tells me her
younger sister, our Aunt Tessie, died earlier that morning. My mother
had 10 siblings. Aunt Tessie was special to all her 27 nieces and nephews
because she had never married and was able to spend much time with all of us
taking us to the drive-in and hanging out with us in so many wonderful ways.
She was the one family member that joined me when I was living and studying in
Mexico one summer. I introduced her to my Mexican friends, and explored Mexico
City and Acapulco with her. After our Polish grandparents died, she continued
to live in the big house, her father, my grandfather, had built for his large
family. It was a ten minute walk from where I lived with my family. The door
was always open and all family members came and went freely. It was my
sanctuary and I spent as much time there as possible.
When I went outside to report on the call to David, the deer was gone. She had
walked down our driveway, across the street and disappeared into the woods. I
never saw her again. I always remember that I saw her on November 16, 2001 -
the day Aunt Tessie died after a long struggle with ALS.
Note: You might wonder, did I ever find any logical answer to why this deer
visited me? The simple answer is, no. The encounter left me with many
questions that had no answers. I spent much time, even years, telling my
horse, nature and animal friends this story and asking if they knew of or had
any such a connection with a deer. I even spoke with people I know that
are hunters hoping maybe this story would open them emotionally to seeing deer
in a new perspective. In the past twenty years I have never heard of
anyone having this type of experience with a deer. Although I have had many
close and beautiful encounters with deer numerous times while on a horse, I
have never had another experience with a deer like the one I have described to
you.