Move Past Your Parents’ Mistakes and Leave the Blame Behind
You have the power to learn and grow from your parents’ mistakes. Not all
parents are created equal.
There are some who make mistakes
based on what they believe was in your best interest, or those who do the best
they can with the resources they have. Then there are those that are downright
abusive and terrible.
By Carrie Krawiec
That being said, not every parent is a good fit for every child, and vice
versa. That is why we get to grow up and find people we fit with. But what can
we do to grow past our parent’s shortcomings?
Regardless of whether those shortcomings were minor or tragic, you can reclaim
your power and recognize your potential. It can be difficult depending on the
circumstances, but these tips will help!
Viewing your parents’ mistakes through a realistic lens of parental expectations
Parents only have to be “good enough.” This means that they provided you with
the basics like food, shelter, and clean clothes. Not every parent has the
means to feed their children steak dinners every week at fancy restaurants,
live in an enormous mansion, or buy designer clothes.
A good enough parent also makes sure that you are physically safe, emotionally
cared for, and educated to the standard of society. If your childhood included
all of those things, then you are pretty lucky, and odds are your parents
were “good enough?”
There should be no expectation of perfection because it doesn’t exist. I
always tell people, “Happiness equals reality minus expectations.” If your
expectations are too high or unreasonable, you will be forever miserable.
Be honest with yourself
If you call your childhood perfect, you are probably denying real
disappointments. Just like there are no perfect parents, there are no perfect
childhoods. Surely, you must have felt some resentment, envy, or anger at some
point?
Those are all human emotions that your childhood helps prepare you for later
in life. Maybe your parents were poor, and your friends all had new toys or
gadgets weekly, while you had to wait or pay for them yourself. It is ok to
have felt upset by this as a child, and now recognize that you learned a
lesson that is valuable.
If you call your childhood terrible, but your parents still met the minimum
standard of care, you are probably denying actual strengths and residencies in
yourself. You also might not be aware of the strength and resilience your
parents showed in overcoming obstacles and challenges.
If your parents didn’t meet the minimum expectations, that will make your
journey of moving past their mistakes harder. However, the general idea here
is the same. You can not control what they did during your childhood, but you
can control what you do now.
Have empathy for your parents’ mistakes
Everyone’s parents made the choices they made because of something in their
past. A little empathy and understanding can go a long way. It isn’t an excuse
for truly awful behavior. Yet it might help provide some insight and reinforce
the fact that it is not your fault.
What was going on in their lives and in their own childhoods? How were they
raised? Were their parents good enough? What was the financial/social/cultural
climate?
What were their values as parents? What were their intentions? If you do not
know the answers, consider asking them. This doesn’t mean you have to forgive
anything that you don’t want to, but it might help you understand. Of course,
they had a choice to move past their own parents’ mistakes, just like you do.
However, society focused less on parenting and
mental health in prior
generations. Understanding can lead to helping you overcome your obstacles,
even if it doesn’t lead to forgiveness.
Narrate your own story
If you don’t like how your parents raised you, there is little you can do to
go back in time to change it. It also won’t get you very far to look back on
it with shame or disappointment or resentment.
Ask yourself what did I learn, gain, strengthen, grow from these experiences.
How do they set me apart from other people? What tools do I use in my present
that I can be grateful I learned from my childhood (or learned to do something
different).
You don’t have to be happy with a not so great childhood. However, if you can
recognize that as an adult, you have the power to write your own story, life
will be much easier.
Let go of resentment surrounding your parents’ mistakes
Resentment is the feeling we have been hurt or harmed by someone else. I love
the saying “Hanging on to resentment is like lighting yourself on fire and
hoping the other person dies of smoke inhalation.”
Your staying angry will not help you feel better and will not ease the pain of
your childhood. It will only keep you angry in the present, affecting your
life now.
Let go of the resentment
for the sake of your own mental health.
Maybe you can get to a place where you reconcile with your parents. Or maybe
they are truly toxic and you need to walk away. Letting go of the resentment
is a necessary component of either choice.