The Critic’s Revolving Door: What Goes Out Must Go In

An Excerpt from Make Peace with Your Mind by Mark Coleman

Many of us are well acquainted with our “Inner Critic.” It is the voice that makes us second-guess our every step by saying “not enough,” “not good enough,” or sometimes “too much.” At times the Inner Critic can be so strong that it feels invincible, but bestselling author and renowned meditation teacher Mark Coleman promises that it is not in his new book Make Peace with Your Mind: How Mindfulness and Compassion Can Free You from Your Inner Critic. We hope you’ll enjoy this short excerpt. 

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Some years ago I was teaching a course in a hospital in Sheffield, England. There was a psychiatrist in the course who was in his fifties and who, although cordial on the surface, could be quite vicious in his attacks on others in the group. Out of the blue, he would issue scathing judgments about their errors. What was challenging for his colleagues was that they could never be sure when to expect one of his barbed attacks.

Later I came to work with him, in a coaching format. I discovered his life was tormented by his own vicious attacks on himself. Growing up in a critical family, he felt that he never lived up to their expectations. His father — ironically, a judge in a local court — had hoped his son would follow him into law. To his disappointment, his son did not, and he did not hide his disdain for his son’s career choice.

As a consequence, the psychiatrist had internalized this culture of judgment and was unforgiving of even the slightest error in himself or others. He lived his life under the oppressive reach of the critic’s hand. It had turned his life into a narrow hell where nothing he did was right, no matter how successful he was in medicine. What he didn’t see was how he turned that same critique toward everyone around him, literally scaring them away. It was no wonder he felt sad and lonely.

Have you ever wondered what it’s like at home for the most judgmental person you know at the office? Rest assured it wouldn’t be all quiet. For the most part, what goes out goes in; if someone is outwardly critical, they are most likely also turning the screw on themselves when there is no one else around to take aim at.

However, people do tend to lean more in one direction than the other — either outward or inward — when judging. Take a look at your own mind and see if that is so. Do you tend to judge yourself or others more, or is it about even? Or do the judgments just go whichever way the critic is looking?

It is important to understand your mental habits because the more you practice a habit, the more entrenched it becomes. If your habit is to judge (whether internally or externally), guess what becomes the norm? The key point here is that we do not want to strengthen the critic’s fundamentally problematic point of view. Unlike a person exercising discernment, the critic attacks whoever falls under its scrutiny. That is a terrible fate to befall anyone. It is most dire when done to oneself, which is where the guillotine will inevitably fall if we keep up the habit of judging others.

So how do you interrupt this habit? The primary line of defense is simply to notice that it’s there. When seeing this habit with mindful awareness, we can note it for what it is — merely thoughts, and points of view, that are not necessarily true. We can let go of the thoughts and shift our attention to something else.

An effective counterpoint to habitual negative fixation is to focus on the positive. To look for what is right or wholesome in others or oneself and to focus on those good qualities. That doesn’t mean we throw out discernment; it just means we don’t give preference to the negative. It is remarkable how that small shift can begin to bring more light into your inner and outer world.

What would it be like for you to look at the world, and the people in it, with more of a focus on the light, on what is positive and right? How would that change your state of mind? Perhaps it would lead you to see yourself in the same way — not as someone with a list of faults as long as your arm, but as someone who has strengths, talents, gifts, and a good heart.