Myth 1 … And they lived happily ever after.
Excerpted from Happily Ever After...and 39 Other Myths about Love by Linda and Charlie Bloom
Yeah, right.
Many of us may be desperately hoping to be rescued from our insecurities. We long for a relationship that will redeem us, so that we will live (how else?) happily ever after. It can be hard to give up the idea that a relationship will save us from our solitary struggles.
Many of us may also believe that when we enter into a committed partnership, that’s the end of the story. Whatever we might be looking for — security, fulfillment, acceptance, unconditional love, support, friendship, intimacy, sex, or any number of other experiences — this valuable thing will be ours forever, we believe, now that we are sharing a life together with this other person. It’s no wonder that when the honeymoon ends, as sooner or later it inevitably does, we experience a letdown. Perhaps we even feel real doubt about having chosen the “right” partner.
Most of us believe that marriage will enhance the quality of our lives. Otherwise, why bother? And if it doesn’t add what we expect it to, or if it adds something that we don’t want it to, we may think one of three things:
We’re not the “marrying type.”
We picked the wrong person to marry.
Marriage is just a bad idea.
We picked the wrong person to marry.
Marriage is just a bad idea.
These are understandable thoughts if one believes that marriage is static, a fixed ending, and not a continuation of the story.
But consider the possibility that marriage is not a noun or thing, but a verb, a process. When we get married, we exchange “vows” to act in ways that enhance the quality of each person’s life. It’s an agreement to take on a set of commitments. The hopes and dreams that we hold for our marriage depend on our willingness to honor the commitments that we have made — not just in our wedding vows, but in our day-to-day agreements as well. A more realistic perspective is to consider marriage as a verb. It is a constantly shifting dynamic process, not a fixed model or concept.
Our ability to co-create intimacy, trust, and commitment will largely determine what we can accomplish together. This raises the questions: Why do so many marriages end in divorce? Why do so many people live in unhappy marriages? Why don’t we see more examples of truly fulfilling relationships?
In part, this is because many people have adopted, at least partially, Western culture’s myths about marriage. To most people, “happily ever after” means: If you love each other, you shouldn’t fight. A relationship will be consistently blissful forever. You never have to say you’re sorry...about anything. You’ll never be lonely again, and about a thousand other things that turn out to be untrue. The word for these beliefs is “illusions.”
In truth, in any relationship, there will be fights. You will have doubts and moments of uncertainty. You will periodically feel lonely. And when you experience remorse or regrets over something you’ve done, you will need to apologize. It is in our nature as human beings to have these experiences, whether we are single or partnered, and regardless of who the other person is. It is inherent in the package of being a human being. It’s who we are. There isn’t any perfect person or perfect relationship. Nobody can fulfill the promise of providing someone else with a permanently blissful life.
Where does this leave us? If we let go of the dream of permanent bliss, and accept the reality of our humanness, we will be less predisposed to experience disappointment, feelings of betrayal, and the grief of disillusionment when our unrealistic expectations are not fulfilled. We are then better able to create a future based upon realistic expectations, ones that are attainable. When we do this, we might enjoy more fully the fruits that truly are available in a committed partnership.
When we see through our illusions, marriage can become the way to experience our heart breaking with sorrow and sometimes cracking open with joy. It is where we can discover how much more of life is available when we become as committed to our partner’s well-being as we are to the fulfillment of our own. It is heaven, and it is hell. It is, as Zorba the Greek said, “the full catastrophe.”
How much can we open? How many of the illusions that keep our hearts closed can we let go of? How many of our fears can we release in learning to trust another? Can we risk giving up the “security” of our beliefs to gain the experience of our heart’s deepest desires? The real question is not “Are we able to see the real challenge of partnership through eyes undistorted by illusion?” Rather: “Are we willing to risk being wrong about some of our cherished hopes and beliefs? Are we willing to risk having to challenge, and possibly reassess, what we have held to be true? Are we willing to risk accepting responsibility for the future of our relationship rather than resting in the comfort of our expectations?” When we risk these things, we become a more loving partner rather than a critical judge. It takes lots of patience to do the work of creating deep and lasting trust in a relationship. It also takes time and persistence. We have to be able to persevere, even when we are discouraged and afraid, which from time to time we probably will be.
Excerpted from Happily Ever After...and 39 Other Myths about Love. Copyright © by Linda and Charlie Bloom. Reprinted with permission from New World Library.
Linda Bloom, LCSW, and Charlie Bloom, MSW, are bestselling authors and the founders and codirectors of Bloomwork. They have lectured and taught seminars on relationships throughout the United States and the world. They have been married since 1972. Their website is www.bloomwork.com